8 Of The Most Common Family Issues (And How To Improve Communication)

Writer Leo Tolstoy once observed that “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” This may be true in the sense that families are complex units made up of complex individuals, and the ways in which they relate to each other and the circumstances in which they find themselves are unique. One family’s issues may be completely distinct from another’s. 

Family conflict can manifest in various ways, and strained family relationships can be based upon a number of underlying issues. These can involve financial stress, mental health issues, work stress, differences regarding how to raise children, or communication breakdowns. In severe cases, conflict can lead to domestic violence, in which case you need to find a safe way to exit the situation. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. 

That said, there’s a set of broad patterns that tend to cause conflict across many families—whether biological or chosen. To compound the issue, many lack the tools to handle these challenges in a healthy way. Read on for eight of the most common sources of conflict in families, along with steps you can take to try and address or cope with them.

What counts as a family issue

Why many family conflicts happen

Family conflicts take many forms and have many underlying causes. Many family conflicts are related to financial stress or health-related stress. Or, one or more members may be experiencing mental health or substance use issues.  

How conflict can strain relationships over time

Unfortunately, when conflict is persistent and ongoing, creeping into the daily life of a family, it can strain relationships and individuals’ mental health and well-being over time. If this occurs, it can be important for a family to get professional help. And if your family isn’t receiving the help it needs, you can still take care of your own well-being and attend therapy individually. 

Signs of unhealthy family conflict: Common issues within the family unit

Every family will inevitably face conflict from time to time. However, those that go unresolved or that are dealt with in unhealthy ways can take a toll on members and their relationships with each other. They can lead to chronic stress levels (which can lead to health problems), mental health challenges, and even estrangement, which can make family life difficult.

Some signs of ongoing family conflict that’s not being handled in a healthy way can include:

• Passive-aggressive behaviors
• Sweeping issues under the rug
• Frequent bickering and/or fighting
• Disagreements frequently escalating to yelling/screaming
• Frequent periods where some members aren’t speaking to others
• A lack of trust between members
• Codependent behavior
• Abuse of any kind

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

8 common causes of family conflict

If you’ve recognized that your family is experiencing conflict, identifying the root cause of problems in family relationships can be the next step toward managing it. Although many people are already aware of what’s causing the core conflict within their family, it can be helpful to see some of the most common ones listed out—both to provide insight into how multiple issues can overlap and interact, and to take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in your experience of family problems. Many family conflicts can also be resolved with good communication. See below for some of the most common causes of family stress or discord and ways to resolve conflicts and family arguments.

Common family issue 1: Poor communication

Healthy, honest, frequent communication is widely considered to be the foundation of healthy relationships of all types. Families without it are likely to experience recurrent conflict as issues that arise may not be properly addressed and members may not feel heard.

What poor communication looks like in daily life

Poor family communication is any sort of communication that is not direct, honest, and kind. Poor communication styles in daily life as a family can consist of:

• Yelling
• Passive aggressive behavior
• Manipulation
• Silent treatment
• Avoidance
• Excessive criticism

How to find common ground in family arguments

During family arguments, it may be possible to find common ground. Focus on giving each person time to share feelings without interrupting, using “I messages,” and defining shared values and desired outcomes. 

Common family issue 2: Parenting styles and responsibilities

Another family issue that can cause conflict is differing parenting styles and deciding how parents will divide responsibilities. 

Aligning on rules and routines for kids

Parents may have different ideas about how many and what kinds of rules and routines they should develop for their kids, often leading to conflict. Having an honest conversation about how to parent and agreeing on certain values and parenting practices can go a long way in avoiding conflict.  

Splitting responsibility between caregivers

Deciding who does the labor of parenting can also create conflict. When one parent is more involved than the other, it can create resentment on either side. Again, an honest conversation about caregiving responsibilities and how to divide them up can help avoid or solve conflicts.

Common family issue 3: Sibling conflict and rivalry

When siblings fight, it can not only be intense for them, but it can also affect the entire family. Finding ways to help siblings get along and creating healthy boundaries can create a more harmonious environment at home.

Helping siblings build shared interests

Helping siblings to build shared interests can pave the way for positive shared experiences and less rivalry. Depending on the children’s ages and interests, they could attend a class together, engage in active outdoor activities together, or embark on creative projects together. Family nights with food, games, or movies can also be enjoyable and relationship-building.

Setting clear boundaries at home

Setting clear boundaries about sibling interactions can also create more harmony. You can institute guidelines about taking time outs if arguments get heated and also create frameworks for how to resolve conflicts.

Common family issue 4: In-laws and extended family conflict

Oftentimes, conflict doesn’t occur within the nuclear family, but occurs with in-laws or extended family. Knowing how to deal with such conflict can be helpful. 

Boundaries with a family member outside the household

Family members outside the household, oftentimes in-laws, can also stir up conflict within your household. They may come over unannounced, be excessively critical, or ignore your parenting-style guidelines. Establishing kind but clear boundaries, with the whole family involved, as to when they can be in your home and how you expect to be treated may make you feel more comfortable.

Navigating loyalty conflicts and expectations

Loyalty conflicts can occur when your in-laws and your spouse have different expectations. Your spouse, for instance, may be torn between loyalty to you and to their mother or another family member. Anyone who feels torn between loyalties can tell their various family members how important they are to them and make loyalties and love clear while still establishing healthy boundaries. 

Common family issue 5: Blended families and major transitions

Divorce, remarriage, and other transitions, especially when they involve children and blended families, can create unique challenges and circumstances for conflict. However, each of these situations is navigable.

Divorce, remarriage, and new household roles

When divorce and remarriage happens, it means new household roles for everyone. As family members navigate this, it can lead to conflict. You and your spouse may need to first discuss your joint expectations. And if you spend time discussing with the whole family what the blended family structure means and what every person’s role is, it can head off conflicts in the future. 

Helping kids adjust and stay connected

Kids in a newly blended family need reassurance that they will continue to have a central place in the family. First off, getting reassured of the love of their primary parent and having the opportunity to air feelings with them can help. Secondly, spending enjoyable time with the whole family can help to create a feeling of warmth and new family traditions.

Common family issue 6: Money stress and financial decisions

While all the issues listed above can contribute to family conflict, financial decisions are one of the most common. 

How money problems show up in daily life

Among the many issues that can arise related to finances are budgeting for the expenses of daily life, budgeting for larger expenses, shouldering the burden of caregiving costs, one spouse taking on all the responsibility for finances, and simply differing priorities for how to spend money. 

When a financial advisor could help

While healthy communication and counseling can both be supportive in regards to resolving financial stressors and making financial decisions, it may also be wise for you and your spouse to consult a financial advisor to get expert advice on their budget and finances.

Common family issue 7: Time, attention, and disconnection

Sometimes conflict can happen when family members give each other uneven amounts of attention or when they don’t spend enough time together. Attending to the needs of the whole family can help alleviate feelings of disconnection. 

Rebuilding connection by spending time

The most important thing a family can do to maintain connection is to spend time together. Plan meals together, do a movie night, or take a picnic on a hike. Low-stakes, enjoyable activities can help inspire conversations and reform connections.

Creating shared interests as a family

When you spend time together, it can help create shared interests. Maybe time tidepooling at the beach or visiting the aquarium can help initiate an interest in marine biology or volunteering for a beach clean-up, for instance. 

Common family issue 8: Mental health and substance misuse in the family

Mental health and substance use issues in the family can be a major source of family conflict.

How substance misuse can strain relationships

Substance misuse can strain relationships on a variety of fronts because of the negative emotional and behavioral patterns of the person using the substance. They may have erratic emotions and lash out at family members, or they may spend money unwisely or shirk responsibilities. All this can take an emotional and practical toll on the other family members.

Supporting someone while protecting your well-being

If someone in your family might be using substances or is having mental health issues, you can talk to them about your concerns and offer to find them help. However, the most important thing is that you pay attention to your own well-being. Make sure you’re not being mistreated, that you’re not taking on inordinate responsibilities at home, or that your finances are not being squandered. Look for therapy to support your mental health, as necessary.

How to resolve conflicts with a simple family plan

If you find that your family is experiencing a conflict that isn't severe enough to need the support of a counselor, you might consider having a family meeting and coming up with a family plan to resolve conflicts. 

A 20-minute reset to de-escalate arguments

Pause if a situation begins to escalate, and take at least 20 minutes away from each other. Once emotions have settled down, either talk calmly about what happened or set a time for a family meeting. 

Time-boxing hard conversations to a few hours

If you decide to have a family meeting, set a time limit on the conversation to a few hours maximum. If you don’t solve everything by the end of the prescribed time, you can always set another time for a meeting.

Here are the basic steps to creating and implementing a family plan:

• Set ground rules for the meeting so that everyone feels safe and heard.
• At the meeting, spend time allowing each family member to state their feelings and perspective on the problem, and together you can clarify the issue.
• Have all family members take turns sharing possible solutions to the problem.
• Together, pick one action that family members can take to resolve the issue.
• Do something fun at the end of the meeting to lighten the mood!

Revisit with one next step and shared responsibility

Pick a later time to meet again so that you can revisit the issue and assess how the plan worked for everybody. 

Having a family meeting and coming up with a collaborative family plan can help family members identify shared interests and common ground. It gets everyone involved as they work together to resolve conflict; it allows each person to be heard, and it allows shared responsibility among all members. 

In-laws and blended families deserve their own strategy

While all families have conflict at various times, blended families and families with in-laws often have special circumstances. When such issues arise, the whole family can benefit from creating a family plan or attending therapy in order to create healthy boundaries and form a stronger unit as a family.

Blended families and co-parenting

Blended families may face challenges that include divided loyalties among kids, rivalry among siblings, a spouse having a different parenting style, and children’s resistance to a step-parent. Co-parenting, in which parents live separately but make joint parenting decisions, can also bring up a number of issues, including philosophical issues regarding childrearing, financial decisions, and divided loyalty bonds for kids. 

In-laws

While many people have healthy relationships with in-laws, there are a number of common issues that people can experience with in-laws. These can include a lack of privacy, disagreements on childrearing, interference in the marriage, being controlling or judgemental, and more. With in-laws, a family often needs to practice setting clear boundaries.  

When to seek professional help

While there may be times that you and your family can solve issues on your own, there are other situations in which it may be best to seek professional help. Such circumstances may include family member’s mental health conditions or substance use issues, which can both prompt intense conflict. 

Signs the issue is affecting daily life and well-being

If conflict is frequent or severe, if it’s interfering with the functioning of daily life, or if other family members begin to exhibit decreased well-being and mental health issues such as anxiety or depression, it might be a sign that professional help is needed.

What professional help can look like for the whole family

When working with a professional around these issues, the whole family may need to be involved, although the member experiencing the mental health difficulty may need further individual support. Other family members can also seek their own individual support, if necessary. And if conflict escalates to abuse, it is important to find a way to safely exit the situation. If you find yourself in an abusive situation, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). 

How family therapy can help

Families that are willing to engage in therapy can rely on a family therapist to guide the discussion and the handling of conflict. This type of healthcare professional can equip members with techniques to help with things like communication, problem-solving, and stress management that they can use in the present conflict and in the future. They can also identify and address any mental health challenges that could be affecting any member and, in turn, their family. If you’re interested in locating a family therapist in your area, you can find directories of licensed providers online or ask your physician, friends, or community members for a recommendation.

However, if some or all of your family is unwilling to attend family therapy, you may find it useful to attend individual sessions on your own. While this won’t change the behavior of your family members, it can offer you a safe, nonjudgmental space to express your feelings and get advice on healthy, constructive strategies to try when engaging with them. 

If in-person therapy is inaccessible or unaffordable for you, you might consider an online therapy platform like BetterHelp instead, where you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with from home or anywhere else you have an internet connection. Session costs are less than the average in-person visit, and some providers on BetterHelp may be in-network with your health plan (state-limited). For eligible members, co-pays average about $19/week, though coverage varies by plan, provider, and therapist availability.